The Marriage Course 7

...

The Marriage Course 3
The Marriage Course 2
The Marriage Course 1

We attended the final marriage course session last night and I shall endeavour to post about sessions 4, 5 and 6 as soon as I can.

I am pleased that the course is over as I have found the constant analysing of our relationship a strain. Whereas at the start of the course, I smugly thought we had a great relationship, I now realise that there are a lot of aspects to work on. That doesn't mean that we have a bad relationship, far from it, just that there is room for improvement on many levels. I suspect that many of our areas which could be improved stem from my own issues. Without wishing to descend into either a prolonged and boring passage of naval gazing nor reveal too many personal details, I know that my tendency towards blueness doesn't help me or our relationship. I also made a decision to take loans to pay for law school and ultimately to qualify as a solicitor, which finally occurs in April 2009. I wouldn't change the decisions I made but I do find the repaying of those loans exceedingly onerous and one which doesn't help my sanity and stress levels. I am not saying that all our issues are mine, or that M is perfect, which of course he isn't. I just think that some of the problems start with my own issues.

That said, last night's session was on Love Languages. Again, a topic which should be fairly obvious but clearly can pass unnoticed. Essentially, there are many ways of expressing love towards your husband or wife: words, actions, time, touch, presents. All of us have a preferred way of receiving love and generally we express our love for our husband or wife using our preferred way of receiving love. Which is not necessarily the same way or husband or wife might prefer. Sounds obvious, but when you think about it a little more closely, reveals some interesting causes of issues which could so easily be solved. So for me, say, I might know I am loved when I am hugged. So I hug M a lot, whereas perhaps actions mean more to M, so he would rather I tidied up my clothes and returned my tea cups to the kitchen. Not that he doesn't appreciate my hugs, but if I choose to express my love with actions then it makes him feel more loved. Makes sense I think.

...

Ps. For those of you interested in the etsy shop (which shamefully only has one pair of earrings in at the moment as I am waiting for the delivery of some more ear wires) you can click on the round orange etsy button further down this page and have a look. If anyone is an etsy user or seller, if you favourite my shop I shall come and have a look at your shop in return!

...

The Marriage Course 3

...

"I do not agree with what you have to say, but I'll defend to the death your right to say it" (Voltaire)

Apparently this is not how all married or to-be-married couples think (!) and so yesterdays session was entitled Resolving Conflict. It may have been that we managed to get home and have some supper together first, or that it was simply more interesting or maybe the course is having some effect, but yesterday's session seemed more interesting and helpful than the past 2.

According to the course, people generally behave in one of two ways at the first sign of conflict: that of a rhino (head down, charge at the other person) or that of a hedgehog (curl into a ball and withdraw, prickles out). Apparently the vast majority of couples split down into one of each type. And yes, M and I seem to be no exception to this. The trick to resolving conflict it seems is to assess which kind you are, what causes conflict, how you behave and then try and find a way of supporting each other and reducing inflammatory behaviour. Sounds obvious but I did find the process of assessing what causes conflict and working out how we behave during scenes of conflict (and then how our partner views our behaviour) helpful. M and I are lucky in that we talk a lot anyway and I was already aware of how I behave - despite having less success in changing it - so it did not come as too much of a surprise, but apparently it really does to some couples.

We also had to list things we appreciate about the other and it did surprise me to see that M listed my 'stubborn and determined' attitude as something he appreciated in me, despite me knowing that this, combined with low blood sugar, is almost always the trigger for my shouting. OK, I admit it, I am a rhino.

Last on my list of things I appreciate about M I listed this: "I love it when M brings me a cup of tea in bed". This morning I was woken up by M telling me it was time to get out of bed and that he had moved my phone (alarm clock) to the bedside table. And there, on the bedside table, in my favourite mug, was a cup of tea.

...

Marriage Preparation Course 2

...

We actually attended this session last week but it seems to have taken me this long to find a moment to write about it.

This session was called The Art of Communication and, surprise surprise, covered the topics of communication, or talking and listening. Sounds obvious but a lot of people are good at talking and not so good at actually listening to what the other party in the conversation has to say in return. As the presenters showed, for some other people's chat is something to be endured before it is their turn to start speaking again.

So, useful tips inside a marriage or relationship but also useful thoughts to carry into everyday life. We discussed a number of issues surrounding communication but the most useful one, in my opinion, was the plenary when we looked at 'bad habits' such as jumping in and reassuring, giving advice, intellectualising, going off at a tangent, interrupting and so on and realising which ones we are guilty of and then taking steps to work out communication habits which prevent us from using these habits.

I won't go into what M and I discussed and agreed but what I will say is this: next time you are having a conversation, be it with your husband, fiance, boyfriend, friend, Mum or well, whoever, really listen to what they have to say. You might think you want to help them or tell them what to do, or interrupt with something you want to say or just to steer the conversation to a safer or more interesting topic. But try, for once, to really listen and you might be surprised at the result.

...

Marriage Preparation Course 1

Because we live in one place and are getting married in another, we had to think creatively about our marriage course. We have ended up doing it in two parts: the first, a course for couples, is held at our local church. The second, the actual preparation part, we are doing with our chaplain at the church where we are getting married.

We attended the first session this week and I was more nervous than I thought I would be. Yes, parts of it are annoying, but both M and I agreed that there were a couple of useful things we could take away. This session was based on the foundations of marriage and whether we were in agreement about the state of our relationship at present. We both scored roughly the same which was pleasing, as it showed neither of us thought more or less than the other about things.

The course emphasised the very real need to spend time as a couple and to schedule this every week. (It suggested actually writing this in the diary, but that is not for us). I think M and I are lucky as we do have plenty of time to spend with each other: we live together yet have no children, so outside of our work commitments the rest of our time is either spent together, with friends or, occasionally, on our own. I know that sounds obvious, but what I mean is that our default position is to spend time together, rather than other things taking priority and spending time together being shunted down the list.

I used to be obsessed about us spending time together. Before we lived together I spent 7 months in a house share with two people I didn't know. They sold it to me as a house share, but when I moved in they had just returned from their honeymoon and my role in the house was more akin to lodger. M on the other hand was living with his best friend. Despite the fact that they lived together, every week they reserved one night for them to hang out together. I used to find that every week I was fighting for attention with all his other commitments and my favourite whine was that I never got to spend any time with him. But then we moved in together and slowly I have learnt that I do not need to be obsessed about this any more. In fact, in recent months, I have been able to let go of this obsession entirely and bingo we have started to spend one or more evenings a week together. Now all I have to do is stop obsessively using the computer every evening and the time might actually qualify as time together as per the Marriage Course guidelines (discovering how much of this you have together is our homework this week...)

...