T minus 50 days

{I know, I know, not a real count-down mile stone, but somehow, less than 50 days to go doesn't seem very long}

M left for his stag party this morning. He will be gone for 6 days. 3 days of stag party and then a further 3 having a mini-holiday with his best friend and Best Man.

M left at 4am and my sleep thereafter was rather disturbed. I dreamt that it was the morning of the wedding and we were on the way to the church. For some reason I saw people beforehand who tried to persuade me to wear a headband/tiara thing that someone else had worn for their wedding but I refused, wearing instead a wreath of peacock feathers.

And the flowers hadn't been made up into bouquets, so someone had to do it quickly, which was ok, but they were too small.

Then it was realised that we had forgotten to buy any wedding bands, and I even thought about how funny a post it would make on the blog, that we had to use someone else's rings. Funny as in 'if I don't laugh I will cry' I imagine, rather than the situation being humorous.

And then we were at the reception and there were barely any decorations on the table. I was upset because the wedding was 'ok' but without any of the details and decorations I had worked so hard on to take it from 'ok' to 'beautiful'.

And then the next day, I decided that as hardly any of the peonies had been used for bouquets and none at all at the reception, there were loads more that I could take on the honeymoon to decorate our yurt with. Only my mother had donated them to the owner of the house. So I marched in and removed them, shouting "these did not belong to my mother to give away. I paid for them and I did not want them given away"...

And then on the honeymoon there was an enormous flood which took loads and loads of documents into the water. And then people were trying to find all their company documents and also personal ones which were all in alphabetical order on the beach.

I woke up sad that M was not with me all weekend and terribly confused after the dream. And realised that a lot of the dream was true: I am somewhat of a control freak (i.e. not being able to have the bouquets how I envisaged them would make me annoyed) and prone to anger rather than laughter when things go wrong (personally rather than professionally - I would rather die than be angry or show emotion at work).

Perhaps this can all be summed up by the word pessimist. I am sure that I will have a great weekend whilst M is away; a pre-hen/someone's birthday/qualification party with my girl friends tonight, a weekend outside London with my Mum doing girl things and wedding diy projects [Dad is at the stag party, one sister is away, one is doing finals]. Then back to London on Monday for wedding dress collecting and an art exhibition preview party on the Tuesday. Yet this morning when I woke up all I felt was bereft that it was sunny and that M was away for ages and could not share it with me.

It also feels like the morning after the end of finals. That the wall has been scaled and now everything is over. Real life starts again. Yet, for me, this is the last of those milestones. Graduation from my first degree, my law conversion, my LPC and now from the Training Contract itself. Unemployment seems a marvellous idea when one has a job and is terribly busy, but one day in and it has rather lost it's appeal. Team this with M leaving for the stag do and I suppose it is not surprising that the only feeling which comes to mind is lost.

Yet, in fact, regardless of how I feel, there is plenty to do. There is a house to be cleaned, washing to be hung on the line, a birthday cake to bake, jobs to be searched for and wedding projects completed. There are things to be read and a garden to be sat in. The sun is shining and I need to lift my mood to match it.